Regrets before we die

Here is a link to a newspaper article  http://www.theglobeandmail.com/globe-investor/personal-finance/carrick-on-money/carrick-on-money/article21610517/


It is about a palliative nurse summarizing what she hears from years of caring for people close to dying and what they regret most.

If ever there is a learning opportunity, this is it.

Perhaps this can shake us out of our daily details, and have the opportunity to take action on these regrets experienced by others.

Let's look at the list according to their order:

1. I wish I'd had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.  I can see this being a common regret.  We often wonder if we can break off from the chains of the expectations of others.  We are social animals and what others think of us matter to us.  Just how far we bow to this pressure versus what we really want to do is a compromise we make all the time.  Perhaps we truly should ignore more of what others expect but the dying no longer needs to worry about what others think.  We, who have to live with the consequences of hopefully a longer existence, do have to balance with the praise or wrath from others.


2. I wish I hadn't worked so hard.  The spotlight of this wish shines on the effort spent, not the achievements gained.  At our more ambitious moments, we set goals which entails effort and endurance that we consider worthwhile.  This regret may be better phrased to "I wish I did not aim for so much" which changes the sentiment considerably.  In hindsight, a lot of the things we aim for do not seem as desirable as before (especially if we have achieved it).  This is a characteristic of our motivational structure which we needs to keep in mind.

3.I wish I'd had the courage to express my feelings.  Somewhat similar to item one.  We don't express our feelings all the time because it can be hurtful to others, seem to be boastful of ourselves, or be out of place in a particular situation.  We compromise. Perhaps we can change the calculus on how we determine that compromise but the wish expressed reflects more regret than reality.  Another case of a person dying with nothing to loose.

4. I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.  Here, I have to agree that most people are carried away by their daily routines without much thought of this. It simply do not come to our consciousness unless there is a trigger like a reunion event, a chance encounter, or some other reminder.  Then there is the effort required to track down our old friends, tear ourselves from our comfortable routine and the risk of finding that we have all changed and there is not much to connect with our old friends anymore. Still, it is a trigger to have this in our minds to consider.

5.  I wish that I had let myself be happier.  This is the one that I find the most useful even though it is the last item on the list.  We are so conditioned to believe that our anger and sorrow are the result of external events and that we can only be happy if something good happens to us.  Shakespeare wrote in Hamlet  "There is nothing good or bad, but thinking makes it so"  http://www.enotes.com/shakespeare-quotes/nothing-either-good-bad-but-thinking-makes

Events happen, we judge as to whether it is a good or bad event, then we react emotionally with joy and happiness, or anger and sorrow.

We go through the process of subconsciously judging and emotionally reacting so quickly that it is difficult to realise we determine whether we should react positively or negatively to an event.

So often, we are too quick to assume the victim role to gather sympathy when it is also an opportunity for growth.

The second part of that paragraph "Fear of change had them pretending to others, and to their selves, that they were content, when deep within, they longed to laugh properly and have silliness in their life again." is also profound.  This is self deception that we have to be on guard against.

Are we really content? or are we just convincing ourselves that we are because we do not want to try something new, or risk failure or ridicule?

All in all, it is a good mental exercise to go over these point from time to time and to re-examine the compromises we make every day to see if that is truly what we want.

In our dying days, we can remind ourselves that we made the compromises consciously when we did, feel less regret, and choose to be content with our life as it fades.

Some related videos....

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7K0xFdJhymc

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FcITT99FBfI

 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NrRTxcz2sAw