We had our discussion last night on regret. Since everyone around the table happened to be born outside of Canada, immigrant experiences became the channel for discussing regret.
Hind sight seems to be integral with our feeling of regret. That in itself should tell us that regret results from a biased view from after the fact.
We seem to be very sensitive to what we don't have while taking what we have for granted which easily lead to regret versus appreciation for the good that we have done.
Particularly for major decisions such as immigration. When an immigrant meet friends who did not immigrate or seeing one's school friends years later, it is easy to get into comparisons and feel regret where the experience in the new country come up short.
However, these comparisons of narratives over years of our lives are narratives of a journey that involved many decisions along the way as well as probabilities of outcomes from these many decisions that form the final result ending the narrative.
It is easy to pile it all on the initial decision to immigrate or to choose a particular first job and attribute the comparison result to that one initial decision.
However, much like bridge players that go through various bids to form a contract and go through rounds of decisions in playing their cards, the final outcome depends on the sum total of the bidding and card playing decisions rather than one bidding error in the beginning.
On top of which, the luck involved in the distribution of cards, the response of one's partner in bidding and playing, the luck and competence of the opponents, all factor into the final bridge score for the game.
We may experience regret when faced with the comparison with our former school mates or coworkers who did not immigrate but it is too harsh for us to blame ourselves for the one decision at the point of departure in our comparison with our previous peers.
Many immigrants decide to leave their homeland to settle in a new country in order to have a brighter future for the next generation.
I have no doubt that it is a very sincere intention but through these discussions, I realized that this selfless perspective also inoculate immigrants against the harsh realities of adapting to a new culture, struggling to get started in a new land, and likely starting over from the bottom of a new career after some accomplishment in their homeland.
Even if the financial and material yard sticks do not compare favorably for their decision to leave their original country, these immigrants can rest well that they have made a worthy sacrifice to improve the lot of their children. We have hope for our children's future and hope keeps us going.
The other aspect of hind sight is that we often think of our selves years ago as we are today. We take for granted the years of experience and wisdom that we have accumulated in the mean time and tended to be too harsh on our previous selves.
The feeling of regret can signal us that there is a learning opportunity from this experience. At the same time, we can make more allowance for ourselves. Maybe we should celebrate the wiser vision we have now rather than regretting the lack of vision we had years ago.
Saturday, December 29, 2012
Saturday, December 22, 2012
12/28/2012 Regret
This coming Friday, we are discussing regret.
I trust that we have all experience regret. For some of us, it is a strong, perhaps negative emotion that motivates us to change, to avoid having to experience that negative emotion again in the future.
Will we regret later on if we do not take that trip? Will we regret not finishing our "bucket list" when in our death bed? Will we regret not spending more time with our love ones while we can still do so?
Why do we feel regret at all?
Is it because it is an evolutionary trait that helps us survive the natural threats around us? Maybe it is the most easily startled and worrying animals that survive better? Maybe the worry free among us did not survive as well as the worrier among us?
Does it have something to do with hindsight, that looking back, we have a different perspective and also conveniently forget some of the other worthwhile things we were doing while not doing what we are regretting?
Just because we feel the emotion of regret, does it mean it is justified?
Maybe we should not regret at all. What is done is done, it is the future that we can do something about and there is no point in wishing things were different in the past.
There are those who seem to be able to go through life without the burden of guilt (and therefore regret). Are we better to absolve ourselves of responsibilities for our actions? We live in a world of interlocking events and seldom can we say we were solely responsible for certain events. Why should we blame ourselves as much as we do?
Can we avoid guilt and regret by adjusting our expectations of ourselves? Should we?
When we say we are doing our best, is that a way of avoiding guilt and regret by limiting our expectation to what effort we can expand rather than what outcome we should expect?
We live in a world that is governed by probabilities, nothing is ever for sure. Is that good enough reason to not have expectations of outcomes? How do we plan anything if we cannot reasonably expect results?
Are we doomed to have regrets?
Let's hear your ideas and comments.
I trust that we have all experience regret. For some of us, it is a strong, perhaps negative emotion that motivates us to change, to avoid having to experience that negative emotion again in the future.
Will we regret later on if we do not take that trip? Will we regret not finishing our "bucket list" when in our death bed? Will we regret not spending more time with our love ones while we can still do so?
Why do we feel regret at all?
Is it because it is an evolutionary trait that helps us survive the natural threats around us? Maybe it is the most easily startled and worrying animals that survive better? Maybe the worry free among us did not survive as well as the worrier among us?
Just because we feel the emotion of regret, does it mean it is justified?
Maybe we should not regret at all. What is done is done, it is the future that we can do something about and there is no point in wishing things were different in the past.
There are those who seem to be able to go through life without the burden of guilt (and therefore regret). Are we better to absolve ourselves of responsibilities for our actions? We live in a world of interlocking events and seldom can we say we were solely responsible for certain events. Why should we blame ourselves as much as we do?
Can we avoid guilt and regret by adjusting our expectations of ourselves? Should we?
When we say we are doing our best, is that a way of avoiding guilt and regret by limiting our expectation to what effort we can expand rather than what outcome we should expect?
We live in a world that is governed by probabilities, nothing is ever for sure. Is that good enough reason to not have expectations of outcomes? How do we plan anything if we cannot reasonably expect results?
Let's hear your ideas and comments.
Saturday, December 15, 2012
Meeting on "What is a home"
We had a small group last night discussing what makes a home.
A sense of safety, familiarity, connections with our love ones, and economic viability were agreed as the ingredients for making a place feel home like.
For modern day nomads, they arrange every new home they go to about the same way they did the last to get the sense of constancy as they have move from city to city. We all need anchors in our lives to feel settled and choose different aspects to get this constancy.
The sense of safety is a personal evaluation and psychological. We have all experienced the sense of home when crossing the border back to our home country. Very often there is no immediate difference other than symbols of the flag but our mental feel is disproportionately large compared to the actual change in environment involved in crossing the border.
Our sense of safety is also disrupted in the case of a burglary into our home. We may feel violated and not able to restore our sense of safety anymore.
This leads to the thinking that the sense of safety, so important in making us feel at home at any one location is mostly psychological.
I recall my university days when we moved up from renting a room to renting the top floor of an old house upon graduation. There were no doors leading to the top floor to keep our living space separate from the tenants of the rest of the house and yet we never felt unsafe in that environment.
We may be young and naive then but it shows the blurry boundary of nativity versus hard experience. Where is the happy medium between blissful ignorance and inability to trust?
Joseph mentioned that he will not be able to return to his home town where he grew up as the economic circumstances have changed and there is no gainful employment to be had there anymore even though a lot of the people may still be there. This brought up the point that home is not just a location but that location also change with time. We may be nostalgic about that location because we have memories of the past there. Nostalgia is more emotion over reality and best not relied on to be relived.
Connections to our loved ones, a sense of feeling welcomed are certainly major reasons for feeling at home. Sandra talked about feeling at home in regular annual events such as car shows where she can expect to see familiar faces and do familiar activities that reinforce her sense of belonging to that community as a strong feeling of being at home.
That may speak to the significance of festivals and major events such as Christmas, Thanksgiving and such where one's bonds with family and community are reinforced in a predictable, comforting fashion.
This is all good, but it still begs the question, why are we creatures of habit?
One answer may be that we need more brain power to deal with exceptional events and we would prefer more things to be routine so that we can relegate it to our subconsciousness. We are not conscious of walking our familiar streets but stress and concentration sets in when we are in a strange environment that require us to watch every step.
Yet we become bored if routine dominate our lives. We yearn for travel and excitement, discovery.
We want well arranged, interesting travel that is safe, and to expectations.
Is there such a thing?
Maybe we travel just so that we can come home afterwards.
A sense of safety, familiarity, connections with our love ones, and economic viability were agreed as the ingredients for making a place feel home like.
For modern day nomads, they arrange every new home they go to about the same way they did the last to get the sense of constancy as they have move from city to city. We all need anchors in our lives to feel settled and choose different aspects to get this constancy.
The sense of safety is a personal evaluation and psychological. We have all experienced the sense of home when crossing the border back to our home country. Very often there is no immediate difference other than symbols of the flag but our mental feel is disproportionately large compared to the actual change in environment involved in crossing the border.
Our sense of safety is also disrupted in the case of a burglary into our home. We may feel violated and not able to restore our sense of safety anymore.
This leads to the thinking that the sense of safety, so important in making us feel at home at any one location is mostly psychological.
I recall my university days when we moved up from renting a room to renting the top floor of an old house upon graduation. There were no doors leading to the top floor to keep our living space separate from the tenants of the rest of the house and yet we never felt unsafe in that environment.
We may be young and naive then but it shows the blurry boundary of nativity versus hard experience. Where is the happy medium between blissful ignorance and inability to trust?
Joseph mentioned that he will not be able to return to his home town where he grew up as the economic circumstances have changed and there is no gainful employment to be had there anymore even though a lot of the people may still be there. This brought up the point that home is not just a location but that location also change with time. We may be nostalgic about that location because we have memories of the past there. Nostalgia is more emotion over reality and best not relied on to be relived.
Connections to our loved ones, a sense of feeling welcomed are certainly major reasons for feeling at home. Sandra talked about feeling at home in regular annual events such as car shows where she can expect to see familiar faces and do familiar activities that reinforce her sense of belonging to that community as a strong feeling of being at home.
That may speak to the significance of festivals and major events such as Christmas, Thanksgiving and such where one's bonds with family and community are reinforced in a predictable, comforting fashion.
This is all good, but it still begs the question, why are we creatures of habit?
One answer may be that we need more brain power to deal with exceptional events and we would prefer more things to be routine so that we can relegate it to our subconsciousness. We are not conscious of walking our familiar streets but stress and concentration sets in when we are in a strange environment that require us to watch every step.
Yet we become bored if routine dominate our lives. We yearn for travel and excitement, discovery.
We want well arranged, interesting travel that is safe, and to expectations.
Is there such a thing?
Maybe we travel just so that we can come home afterwards.
Monday, December 10, 2012
12/14/2012 What is a home?
This coming Friday at the Ideas Cafe, we will be discussing what gives us a feeling of home.
What is the definition of home?
In its most basic sense, it is where we eat, sleep, rest, and store our belongings.
As we extend it from the physical to the emotional and psychological meaning, home is also where we have refuge from the weather, where we feel safe, where we can relax and let our guard down.
Home is where we grow our families, build memories and experiences.
Our hometown is a community that we are a part of, that we belong.
So far so good.
How do nomads define home?
In modern societies where we are expected to change our jobs many times during our career including almost continuous changing of our "home" locations, how do we feel "at home"? Traveling salesman, military families, corporate troubleshooters, and many other occupations now require constant moving. How do these families handle this?
One theory is that we are creatures of habit. Home provides the familiarity that we need in order to relax. The sooner we accepts things as they are, the faster we become familiar with them and easier we are in adapting to new situations.
Does this make constant movers more flexible and accepting of differences?
Maybe the feeling of home is more a state of mind, how we can relax in our surroundings, how others can make us feel "at home".
If we perceive threats from every direction, we will not feel at home.
Again we are faced with the balance of the two extremes. On the one hand we have the ever vigilant person ready to handle any threats wherever he is but he will likely never relax and feel at home even in his own house. This person is likely a "survivor" who can live through more threats compared to the average person.
On the other hand, we have the person that can be considered "Pollyanna-ish", who is oblivious to the near misses that could have harmed him, but are relaxed much more often than the average person. He trust others freely, opening himself to possible harm but also connecting to a lot more friends and relationships.
How do we navigate between these two extremes while holding on to our precious worldly goods that gives us familiarity and comfort so that we can find home wherever we are, whichever community we are in?
Can we have multiple homes?
Why are we creatures of habit anyway?
What is the definition of home?
In its most basic sense, it is where we eat, sleep, rest, and store our belongings.
As we extend it from the physical to the emotional and psychological meaning, home is also where we have refuge from the weather, where we feel safe, where we can relax and let our guard down.
Home is where we grow our families, build memories and experiences.
Our hometown is a community that we are a part of, that we belong.
So far so good.
How do nomads define home?
In modern societies where we are expected to change our jobs many times during our career including almost continuous changing of our "home" locations, how do we feel "at home"? Traveling salesman, military families, corporate troubleshooters, and many other occupations now require constant moving. How do these families handle this?
One theory is that we are creatures of habit. Home provides the familiarity that we need in order to relax. The sooner we accepts things as they are, the faster we become familiar with them and easier we are in adapting to new situations.
Does this make constant movers more flexible and accepting of differences?
Maybe the feeling of home is more a state of mind, how we can relax in our surroundings, how others can make us feel "at home".
If we perceive threats from every direction, we will not feel at home.
Again we are faced with the balance of the two extremes. On the one hand we have the ever vigilant person ready to handle any threats wherever he is but he will likely never relax and feel at home even in his own house. This person is likely a "survivor" who can live through more threats compared to the average person.
On the other hand, we have the person that can be considered "Pollyanna-ish", who is oblivious to the near misses that could have harmed him, but are relaxed much more often than the average person. He trust others freely, opening himself to possible harm but also connecting to a lot more friends and relationships.
How do we navigate between these two extremes while holding on to our precious worldly goods that gives us familiarity and comfort so that we can find home wherever we are, whichever community we are in?
Can we have multiple homes?
Why are we creatures of habit anyway?
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