We had our discussion last night on regret. Since everyone around the table happened to be born outside of Canada, immigrant experiences became the channel for discussing regret.
Hind sight seems to be integral with our feeling of regret. That in itself should tell us that regret results from a biased view from after the fact.
We seem to be very sensitive to what we don't have while taking what we have for granted which easily lead to regret versus appreciation for the good that we have done.
Particularly for major decisions such as immigration. When an immigrant meet friends who did not immigrate or seeing one's school friends years later, it is easy to get into comparisons and feel regret where the experience in the new country come up short.
However, these comparisons of narratives over years of our lives are narratives of a journey that involved many decisions along the way as well as probabilities of outcomes from these many decisions that form the final result ending the narrative.
It is easy to pile it all on the initial decision to immigrate or to choose a particular first job and attribute the comparison result to that one initial decision.
However, much like bridge players that go through various bids to form a contract and go through rounds of decisions in playing their cards, the final outcome depends on the sum total of the bidding and card playing decisions rather than one bidding error in the beginning.
On top of which, the luck involved in the distribution of cards, the response of one's partner in bidding and playing, the luck and competence of the opponents, all factor into the final bridge score for the game.
We may experience regret when faced with the comparison with our former school mates or coworkers who did not immigrate but it is too harsh for us to blame ourselves for the one decision at the point of departure in our comparison with our previous peers.
Many immigrants decide to leave their homeland to settle in a new country in order to have a brighter future for the next generation.
I have no doubt that it is a very sincere intention but through these discussions, I realized that this selfless perspective also inoculate immigrants against the harsh realities of adapting to a new culture, struggling to get started in a new land, and likely starting over from the bottom of a new career after some accomplishment in their homeland.
Even if the financial and material yard sticks do not compare favorably for their decision to leave their original country, these immigrants can rest well that they have made a worthy sacrifice to improve the lot of their children. We have hope for our children's future and hope keeps us going.
The other aspect of hind sight is that we often think of our selves years ago as we are today. We take for granted the years of experience and wisdom that we have accumulated in the mean time and tended to be too harsh on our previous selves.
The feeling of regret can signal us that there is a learning opportunity from this experience. At the same time, we can make more allowance for ourselves. Maybe we should celebrate the wiser vision we have now rather than regretting the lack of vision we had years ago.
Immigrants often regret comming to the promised land. But there's no place on earth where people aren't faced with hardships. But, immigrants have a particularly difficult time and as global citizens I have a responsibility to be aware of this fact and to share my knowledge with others. I regret that the world isn't completely fair, but I try to live consciously and to share what I know with others. Sometimes it gets rejected but that's life!
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