I participated in a local SFU philosopher's cafe discussion on "adult children" a few days ago.
The moderator chose this topic to discuss the increasing prevalence of 20-30 year olds living with their parents and the implications of this to our society now and into the future.
This inevitably led into the various approaches to bringing up children and how each of us feels about our relationships with our parents and our children.
The moderator showed Canadian statistics that show both 20-25 year olds and 25-30 year old staying with family as an increasing trend in Canada in percentages of 60% and 40% overall across the country with Toronto having the highest percentage.
There is no doubt that the high cost of housing in urban areas like Toronto and Vancouver is squeezing on the affordability of the young people from leaving their parents' place. However, there are also participants in the cafe that thinks it is a good idea to have an integrated family with the various generations all living together, helping and supporting each other.
I thought that the way to independence is through taking on responsibility, learning from mistakes, and gaining confidence from successes. This is best done away from the parents.
While it may be too early to be leaving home at 14 as the middle age English practice is for young boys to go being an apprentice, a seaman, or some other trade, it is definitely time to move away from the parents after starting one's work live or after high school.
The sooner one becomes independent, the earlier one would learn from smaller mistakes and preventing bigger ones down the road. Parents can act as backups but should be at a distance so that they are not rushing in to prevent the small mistakes that are actually learning opportunities.
The moderator also mentioned his observation of the younger generation's difficulty in making life decisions in career choice, marriage, and starting a family. The completely wide open choices facing someone graduating from school or university is actually counter productive in that the graduate have difficulty making these major decisions with no life experience and the threat of making the wrong choice continually cause them to delay committing to one.
The moderator made the comment that we tended to be more motivated by avoiding negatives than by gaining more positives.
The future is a murky one with all these possibilities. However, instead of pondering, if one just makes a choice, the field becomes narrower. Instead of being restricted, the vision is actually more focused and the possible next steps more concrete. Progress is being made.
The moderator's viewpoint is that instead of taking a wide open set of choices as a starting point, we can well use the experience of the people before us and use their choices as default or short list choices to narrow our selections. We can always come up with reasons to reject or take exception to them but it gives us a more manageable task to move on.
Life become more purposeful instead of constantly worrying about missed opportunities.
It is a somewhat counter intuitive argument but I found it quite persuasive. There are too many examples of young people searching for what they want to do and years go by. They see their peers making progress in areas that they once thought was not the best and that only put more pressure on making that perfect choice. This only lead to looking for quick fixes to leap frog which unfortunately results in higher probability of failures.
All the while they are living under their parent's wings while they search.
Hi!
ReplyDeleteA really interesting area for discussion...
While I don't disagree with a theoretical understanding of family dynamics it's difficult to say what is the correct family dynamic or construct for human development. In my experiences some people have flourished (for lack of a better word) with parents who were really supportive beyound the high school years, while their siblings may not have. So its difficult to say what makes a person behave or be as they are.
Its also well documented that youth require support beyound the years of adolescents, as it has been shown that children in foster care do better when they are supported beyound age 18.
I think the growing number of children living with their parents is a sign of the economy. Most yound adults wouldn't chose to live with parents unless there was some economic reason for them to do so. To be a single person is much more costly then to share added household expenses with others, something that hippies in communes figured out long ago. Of course being a "hippie" is radical, but, living in ones parents house-- maybe not so much. I'm really disinterested in people who require labels to define where other people come from.
I think Oliver's right though, if a person can afford to live on their own at a certain age that's preferable, probably for ever body. But I also think that some sort of family support (other than money) is also a good idea beyound the teenage years. People are social creatures and its necessary for us to have people to support us in our endevours, even if they don't make all the decesions for us.
VTS
Over time, it has been drilled into me that a blend of the two extreme positions is what usually work best in real life.
DeleteGood to have the mutual support from the various generations but also good to have the independence afforded by the separation.
The best combination maybe for the generations to not live in the same house but in the same neighborhood, with frequent interaction and support but also a place to go back to for the sense of self so important for independence.
Then there is the transition of relationships between parents and young children to aging parents and adult children.
Complex and intricate situation that is constantly shifting.
Oliver....
Adulthood is an important step for children and it seems that most people need that seperation so they can be confident in their independence.
ReplyDeletePerhaps the ability to share responsibilities during childhood, where young people could have a part time job and some financial independence at a younger age to help prepair them for moving out of the house and being more self reliant later on. Or even a sense of contributing to house hold duties and having some time to spend with parents on a regular basis.
Independence and responsibility while in the home and while without can be shown and given to young adults.
VTS
Birth order may matter for larger families. I am the youngest in a large family and, as a result, am expected to support my parent in elder years. I tend to get much support from this same parent and negotiation of role reversal may be quite difficult, and, it is true much of my independence may be sacrificed, but first borns are usually the most independent anyway. Parents who are widows or widowers may change things a bit too. But, if children move out of the parent's house, then, later parents could move in to one of the children's houses if good arrangements can be made. Eldercare facilities seem best to be avoided. Dignified elders to be celebrated. CL
ReplyDelete